Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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