I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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