Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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