Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
