I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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