this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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