ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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