apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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