No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
