i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
