I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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