I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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