she woke up with a sticky ear
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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