when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
