Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Enjoy the penises
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
