Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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