Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
