At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
