Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
