Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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