I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
