So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
