I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You took a bar mat shot.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
