you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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