official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
