Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
