Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize