first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Four minutes until I can fart!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
