I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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