can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
