vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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