At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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