return my video game
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
