I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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