i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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