It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
