I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
