what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
