this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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