Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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