either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
