No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
