you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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