i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
