I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
