I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize