he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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