i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
