Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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