So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
