Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
