Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
