Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You ate ashes out of my bong
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