I checked into jail on foursquare
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
