Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
