I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
