Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
