My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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