How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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